April Lang's Blog

It’s January. New Year’s resolutions abound. Perhaps one of your resolutions is to “reinvent” yourself or, have a “makeover”. There no shortage of magazine articles proffering ideas about how to go about doing this. But what exactly does a reinvention entail? Trading in your SUV for a Prius? Certainly an eco-friendly move. Losing twenty pounds? Surely good for your heart. Organizing your tax receipts? Your accountant will definitely appreciate that. But trust me when I say, sometimes all it takes to experience life differently is a switch of a channel. Each time we switch the T.V. channel is an opportunity to see something new (the Real Housewives of New York ARE different from those in Atlanta! But I’m not referring to the channels on our television sets. I’m talking about the “channels” that define who we are.

Each of us is set to a channel and that channel usually dictates how we live our lives. The channel determines how we see ourselves, what we think is important in our lives and the world at large, how we treat others, and how we allow ourselves to be treated. The problem here is that if our internal channel stays put on this one station and we never bother to “surf” different stations, our world becomes small and the prospect of “reinventions” or “makeovers”, limited.

Our vision of the world, on a personal as well as more global level, usually stems from how we were raised. The views, morals, and traditions of our families, as well as our peer groups, greatly influence our relationship with the world around us, as well as with ourselves. And the way we catalog our environment and those in it, influences our behavior. For example, many people that are raised by families who support a particular political party grow up voting the same way, never questioning if they themselves believe in what that party stands for. Or, consider the bosses who talk down to their employees, having believed all their lives that the workers are beneath them and don’t deserve respect.

But what if we took a chance and switched our channel? Well, it might be a bit frightening at first because we would be asking ourselves to see things differently or behave differently. It would mean we’d have to come out of our comfort zone and start to question the things that we do. It would mean that ideas or feelings we once hid from or denied now have to be faced. But it would also mean that we now have a greater chance to exert a positive influence both on ourselves and on those we whom we share the planet. We’d learn that we have the power and the obligation to think more critically about the choices we make in our lives and we’d have a better understanding of how those choices affect those around us. And when we see and appreciate the results of our new awareness and our new behaviors, we will have grown enormously as people. And there’s no better makeover or reinvention than that.

When we hear the word, boundary, what usually comes to mind is some barrier that is erected to keep us away from some dangerous terrain.  For example, highways have dividers to keep cars from crashing into each other and countries have signs at their borders so, for example, you don’t mistake North Korea for South Korea.  These boundaries are, for the most part, clear and welcomed.

But there’s a different kind of boundary,  one that’s equally important but not always clear and oftentimes, not welcomed.  I’m talking about the boundaries most of us need to have in place when we deal with others.  While ignoring these personal boundaries may not cause physical injury, harm may nevertheless occur, specifically, to our relationships.

Unspoken needs or expectations, family rules, or cultural traditions are usually at the root of conflicts that arise when people feel their boundaries are not being respected.    Do any of these situations strike a chord with you?

1.  Are you annoyed when your folks don’t offer or agree to baby-sit whenever you want to go out?

2.  Are you hurt when your adult kids don’t include you in most, if not all, their social activities?

3.  Are you often showing up, unannounced, at your married child’s home?

4.  Are you the parent or in-law that’s in the habit of offering “helpful” hints to your adult children on how to better raise their kids, keep a cleaner house, make more money, etc.?

5.  Are you the spouse that often begrudges some alone time to your partner?

6.  Are you the friend that gets upset when your pal wants to hang out with someone else?

7.  Are you the friend that doesn’t get off the phone after your buddy has repeatedly said he/she has to go?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, it’s time to reflect on whether your relationships have been compromised by your behavior. Your family or friends might already have verbally expressed their feelings about having their need for boundaries ignored. Sometimes, however, no words are spoken but the feelings still come through loud and clear through behavior. This might be seen by people pulling away or acting angry with you.

Let me emphasize again that the behaviors I’ve been describing above can be acceptable if everyone’s on board with them. The problems arise when one person starts to push back against the other because he/she feels their emotional, physical or psychological space is being threatened.

So,  in order to create a more harmonious environment and better relationships, when you feel the boundaries have disappeared or, were never there in the first place,  sit down with the person who you feel is violating them and let them know how you feel, and why.  While he/she may initially feel hurt, eventually, they will respect you more for bringing up the issue and not letting the relationship deteriorate.  And you’ll respect yourself more too,  knowing that you stood up for what you believe in and admitted how you truly feel.

It’s hard to speak to anyone anymore without them talking about passion: passion in love, passion for a job, or the hobbies they engage in.  This need to feel “turned on” all the time is not surprising, considering we’re living in a time where instant gratification, short-attention spans, and unrealistic expectations are all the rage.   Is feeling ecstatic all the time realistic, or even necessary?  What does it mean if passion doesn’t appear immediately or, if it disappears?  So what exactly is this thing called passion?

Passion is a feeling, a mindset, a deep and intense connection to something or someone. Your senses are heightened, anticipation reigns.  It ebbs and flows, appears and disappears throughout our lives. It thrives on newness and possibilities.  But things once new become routine and possibilities, turn into realities.  That’s not to say, however, that passionate feelings can’t ever be rekindled, as long as a spark remains.

Passion can also come about slowly, unwittingly, as we learn things about ourselves and others.  For passionate feelings to grow, sometimes we just need to have a little patience and not be so quick to sound the death knell for that person or thing.  Unrealistic expectations, however, often get in the way and before we have given that someone or something a chance to grow on us, we’ve discarded it for “the next best thing”:  common in today’s society but definitely not common sense.

Passion is often limited in scope.  Neither every relationship nor every activity of your life can be expected to leave you constantly breathless.  But that doesn’t mean you can’t derive immense joy and fulfillment from these “less passionate” encounters and experiences.  For example, you may not have found the “perfect” career for yourself but you might be in a deeply satisfying relationship.

So revel in passion when it appears but be mindful of not discounting the things and people in your life when it’s on hiatus.

To believe or not to believe, that is the question here.  And if you believe any of these myths, there’s little question that your belief system is questionable.

If you’re in the right relationship, you don’t have to work at it. Now ask yourself, “How many things worth having in life don’t demand a little elbow grease?  Let me be clear – I’m not saying a daily stove scrubbing will lead to marital bliss.  What I am saying, or rather asking is:  Do you believe showing an interest in your partner’s life doesn’t matter to him/her?  Have you begun to think of the words, ‘please’ and ‘thank you, as rather antiquated?  Do you bathe and brush your teeth only for special occasions?  If you answered yes to any of these questions, it may actually be a good idea to start scrubbing that stove as a first step in making amends.

If you loved me, you’d be attracted to me regardless of how I now look. If both partners feel that way, there’s nothing to discuss.  Often, however, one or both people are sensitive to overt changes in outward appearance.  While certain changes are inevitable and to be expected over time, a total lack of interest in your appearance might be interpreted by your partner that you no longer desire him/her. Let me clarify that I’m not talking about physical changes due to illness, be it physical or psychological.  This is about taking personal responsibility for another part of yourself; a part that matters to your significant other.  You can’t force attraction and each person is turned on by different things.  You may think your now black teeth look edgy but your mate might think you joined a satanic cult!

We never argue, so we have no problems. Just because ear plugs aren’t necessary when the two of you talk doesn’t mean all is copasetic on the home front.  If you never argue, it could mean several things. You’re afraid of fighting so you withdraw.  Maybe you show your anger in a passive-aggressive manner. It’s also possible you’ve just stopped being invested in the relationship. Some amount of arguing is healthy and to be expected, as long as you know how to engage without decimating your partner.

If we have a child, it will fix the relationship. If only children and couples’ therapist were synonymous terms!  Alas, they are not. If you had problems before the birth, you will have the same problems and more, after the birth.  A strong foundation is important in any relationship but especially if you’re going to add a child into the mix.  Parenthood is hard work and will definitely change the way the two of you interact but if you don’t address your own problems first, the dynamic between the two of you will get worse.

I bet he/she will change his/her mind down the road. How often do you make wagers and how lucky are you, really? Are you willing to gamble your relationship on a hunch or dare I say, wishful thinking?  And unless you have psychic abilities this claim is pure wishful thinking.  If your partner has repeatedly and emphatically told you he doesn’t want to be a governor’s spouse, that a houseboat is the only roof she wants over his head or that hoarding and collecting are the same thing, listen very attentively and believe what is being said. It’s a big gamble if you don’t and if you lose the bet, you might lose the relationship too.

It’s not a big deal that we’re not sexually compatible.  It’s not a big deal at all, if you both don’t care about sexual compatibility.  Otherwise, it’s a very big deal.  Many sexual problems can be attributed to physical or emotional factors, lack of experience, or poor communication patterns.  Other times, it really is that you’re each turned on by very different things or ways of being and/or that your sex drives don’t match.  Some of this can be resolved in therapy but sometimes, your pheromones just clash like the titans.

It’s not important to discuss values, wants, needs, expectations, before committing to your partner.  Is it important to discuss wages, perks, hours, and expectations before you commit to a new job?  Would you buy a house without having investigated the neighborhood, checking out the property taxes, or inquire if termites have eaten through the walls?  I think you get my drift.  If you think it’ll all just work out, I’d suggest you re-think that thought.  Some surprises are fun, others, well, not so fun.  Talk first, commit second.

Now believe me when I tell you, if you question these myths, you stand a good chance of having an unbelievably wonderful relationship.